Life is a bitch sometimes. I’m really sorry for the lack of updates but there were a lot of fucked up things going on in my head recently until it all exploded into a mental breakdown. It was very hard for me to find any creative energy in my brain. No drawing, no writing, nothing. My head was empty. On top of that there are financial problems. Of course my parents help me out but it’s “only” for my apartment and for the things I need to live. I have a job as a freelance journalist but I earn too little to be satisfied, so I’m currently looking for a solution. The good thing is that I found a therapist. It’s good to talk to someone every week.
It’s crazy how your view of life can change so dramatically in just a few weeks. Suddenly you are thinking about the decisions you made in your life and you realize how stupid they were. My studies are so useless that I don’t give a single fuck about what mark I will get in the end. It doesn’t matter anyway. I will have to work as a journalist even though I don’t really want to. I like to write about games and share my opinion but there are so many rules that it takes the fun out of it. Even if I’m writing news I’m basically told to write for kids. Sentences should not be longer than 15 words, no anglicisms, no this, no that. It makes me crazy sometimes. I once wrote for a magazine without getting paid and shared my opinion on the 3DS. Even though I was rather harsh my boss told me that the people at Nintendo liked my article because it was written in a funny and creative way. And this is what bothers me with future jobs. My creativity will most likely be suppressed and that makes me feel uncomfortable.
So what now? Well, it’s a rather crazy dream. Or maybe it’s not crazy at all. I want to develop a game. There’s already the idea, the plot, the characters, the style… all in my head. I bought myself a little leather book to write everything inside that crosses my mind. And I got a book “The Art of Game Design” by Jesse Schell because it was recommended to me. I tried out Unity, Maya, ZBrush… it was like my mind was going haywire. So much stuff to learn. But it was fun. It was so much fun. And it still is. But I’m so afraid of the future that I can’t think straight. That’s why I need a break. Maybe half a year, just working on creative projects. Developing a game, finishing my novel… I have to free my head from all this bullshit society pushes me into. I’m not made to live a life as fast as others expect me to.
I don’t know how I will do it. Maybe I have to get a second job so my parents don’t have to support me any longer. But I need to take care that I won’t work too much or else I can’t be creative at all because I’m too exhausted. Or I move to my parents’ house for those six months. It’s quiet and peaceful there but it’s like my past is haunting me when I’m there. And my father wasn’t really happy to hear about my plans. I don’t know… it’s just… why can’t everything just stop for a few months. Let me breathe and think, world. Sometimes I think that if I had someone I could do all this for it would be a lot easier. Working my ass off for others works better than working it off for myself. In the end, when I die, it doesn’t matter if I say I’m a good person. I want a special someone to say these words. Maybe it’s wrong to think like that, but I can’t change it. Making others happy just feels too good.
Sorry I don’t really have drawings or paintings for you, only babbling about deep shit. I hope that as soon as I’m done with my bachelor’s thesis and my studies, everything will be better and more relaxed. We’ll see.
Have a good night.